Death to Toonshipping
by penofmischief
Summary: HET&SLASH! 3 UP! After uncovering the Toonshipping couple, Kaiba and Pegasus decide to get RID of it once and for all. With Shizuka tagging along & with Jou and Ryou aimlessly trying to catch up they embark on an epic quest. KaiJou RyouShizuka & more.
1. Chapter 1

**Author Note: **This fan fiction is _not_ directed towards Toonshipping Authors, nor will it involve them. If you are a Kaiba x Pegasus fan, it would be our appreciation that you wouldn't read this fiction all for the pleasure of flaming it. We hate the couple but we respect the people.

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**Announcement: **Also, for a minor note, we have a tendency to pair characters with just about anyone. So in other words, VERY random couples to come. For instance, you can have a totally cannon pairing like Yuugi x Mou Hitouri no Yuugi (in our minds, that couple is cannon) and on the other hand, you can have a couple that makes absolutely no sense at all like Shizuka x Tenma (the guy from Yu-Gi-Oh R). Just FYI.

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**Disclaimer:** We do not own Yu-Gi-Oh in anyway. Although, we both find the "Toonshipping" coupling downright creepy. We cannot deny that.

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**Plot:** _After uncovering the horror of the Toonshipping couple (Pegasus x Kaiba), Kaiba and Pegasus decide to get rid it of it once and for all! How? With Gozaburo's old nuclear stash, of course! With Shizuka tagging along, (and with Jounouchi and Ryou aimlessly trying to catch up) they embark on an epic journey— thus encountering Yami no Malik and his drug dealing buddies, the diabolical Santa Clause Noah and his evil Nuclear Polar Bear Minions, along with the FBI, who is under the control of… ok, now we're just giving too much away. But boys—if you read it to the end there's fan service! (although with a catch.)_

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**Genre: **Romance/Action Adventure/Humor/Mystery

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**Pairings:**

Jounouchi/Kaiba  
Shizuka/Ryou  
Yuugi/Yami no Yuugi  
Honda/Otogi  
Isis/Mai  
Tenma/Shizuka  
Anzu/Shizuka (one-sided)  
Tenma/Anzu

_…and probably others on the way._

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**Warning:** Rated M (R) (Restricted) For Sexual Implications, Sensuality, Homosexuality, Cursing, Drug Use, Randomness and "All-Out" Insanity.

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_-Imperfect __Paradise__ (Yamiko) & Somebody Else (Mihoshi) _

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Death To Toonshipping  
By Imperfect Paradise & Somebody Else

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-**Chapter One-  
**Insert Chapter Name Here

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There was a large, fluffy, pink bunny rabbit in the entrance hall of Pegasus's private estate. He was wearing overalls. Red ones. Oh, and he was drunk. Yuugi did a double take, almost expecting it to say (in a British tone) "I'm late! I'm late!" Wait a second... Drunk? Oh, it was just Pegasus. Apparently he had decided to splurge on a costume that said _"Ooh! Look at me! I want attention!"_ Not unlike the many children aged three and up who in which this holiday was meant for. 

Anzu had a much politer opinion on the matter. She smiled happily, as she chirped, "Oh, Pegasus! How creative! The costume just screams 'Artistic Talent!' I wish I had thought up of something _that_ creative."

Yuugi couldn't help but think that _Anzu_ would look better under a thick coating of fluffy pinkness then she was in her current outfit. Don't get him wrong, Yuugi enjoyed a little cleavage as much as the next straight/bi/curious (Does it count as gay if your alternate personality is present when you masturbate? It's not like he could help it.), but, well, did she _really_ 'need' to cover her breasts in three coats of painfully shiny pink, orange, and gold glitter? At this point, looking down her dress was akin to looking directly into the sun without sunglasses. Goodbye, retinas. You had a good life. Oh, was the bunny saying something? He shook his thoughts away and asked, "I'm sorry, Pegasus, what did you say?"

"I asked what you were supposed to "be_,"_ Yuugi-boy. I specifically stated in the invitations that you were to come _in costume_."

Yuugi perked up. He smiled as he answered, "Oh! I'm Mou Hitouri No Boku!"

The rabbit sweat-dropped. You know you're in trouble when your costume makes a six foot two pink rabbit sweat-drop. "Uh... that's ... nice." The rabbit discreetly gave Yuugi a once over, attempting to ascertain the difference. Other than the insanely tall platforms and the clear sterol-tape that was keeping his bangs nailed to his hair (Was Yuugi's hair made out of metal, or, was it just his imagination?) Pegasus couldn't see a difference. That may be because he was drunk. Speaking of drunk, it abruptly occurred to Pegasus that his young companions were probably woefully sober after such a long journey. "Would you care for some wine?"

Yuugi was about to voice ascent when Anzu firmly gripped his arm and shook her head. "No thank you, we're not of legal age, remember?"

"Oh, but your Japanese. They don't have limits like that in Japan, do they?"

Anzu rolled her eyes. "First of all, the drinking age in Japan is twenty. Second of all, the limit in America is twenty-one and we're expected to obey the American laws while we're here. If you wanted us to legally drink, you should have had the party on the ocean or the north pole or somewhere where there aren't any drinking laws."

Yuugi sighed, resolving that in the next time someone rich threw a party for an obscure American holiday **(A/N 1)** he would _demand_ that the party take place at the north pole instead of California. Hey, it's just one more plane ticket, right?

After they had dispensed with the niceties, he settled down in the corner with Anzu. Anzu, being Anzu, couldn't help but notice that Yuugi was moping and brought him a coke to cheer him up. Her boobs were still painfully bright. No Booze and no Boobs makes Yuugi a dull boy. The walking cliché behind him (Mou Hitouri no Yuugi, dressed as a pharaoh) seemed to feel the same way.

Fortunately, they didn't have to wait long before a silver and violet fairy walked inside with a pleasantly low-cut dress that had numerous long gashes scattered throughout her layered skirt. She was decidedly less painful to stare at than "Princess" Anzu. Unfortunately, said Fairy Shizuka was accompanied by a knight in shining armor, a guard dog an… … … a Corporate Executive Officer.

"_Why_ Kaiba-boy, what are you supposed to be?"

"… … …I'm myself."

"Ooh, that's so scary..."

_"What the hell is that supposed to mean!" _

"You know _exactly _what I am talking about, Kaiba-_boy!"_

In the midst of all this, Jounouchi quickly groped his lover and headed for the nearest source of booze, tossing a quick "Have fun, cutie" over his shoulder. Kaiba (who abhorred being called pet names and also held a special distaste for the name, "cutie") didn't even notice.

Pegasus and Kaiba proceeded to argue loudly while Jounouchi proceeded to get trashed and (Fairy!) Shizuka danced with (Knight!) Ryou. It was disturbing in its own right to see Ryou clunking around in cardboard armor and (at the same time) trying to be graceful. However, when you factor in that they were trying to swing dance to some sort of pounding American rock, it became downright terrifying. All in the spirit of Halloween from what Yuugi understood.

However, not nearly as 'in the spirit' as the creature serving Jounouchi. "Hey, Malik, what are you supposed to be?"

"Fool. I'm the _Almighty Marik-sama!_—Not that _weakling_ Malik… And I came as _myself_. It was the scariest thing I could think of."

"Yea, that is pretty scary. More beer, please..."

Marik poured the puppy some more booze. "So, I take it from the brown puppy ears, the tight jeans and the—" He leaned over to check the tag on Jounouchi's plain, but fitted white dress shirt. "… … … Ahem—_Armani_ cotton shirt… That you came as Kaiba's bitch."

_"Right on!"_ He then leaned over (so the adults of the party couldn't hear him) and asked, "Got anything higher proof? How 'bout some Sake?"

"This is America, idiot, not Japan, but if you'd like something stronger..." Marik held up clear plastic tube containing a single pill. He smirked deviously and inquired, "I suppose I could give you this..."

Jounouchi disinclined to Marik's offer and while waving it away, groaned. "Naahhhhh—I just wanna get _good _and _trashed."_

Yuugi, (who had just recently slipped away from Anzu) reached out, grabbed the tube and downed it's contents, using Jounouchi's drink as a chaser. Marik glared at him. "You have to 'pay' for that," he growled.

Yuugi snorted. "Heh. Pegasus specified in his invitation that _everything_ at the bar was up for grabs."

Marik glared at Yuugi. "Listen twerp: Pegasus didn't know that _I_ would be here and _I _demand _pay!"_

Jounouchi suddenly looked up from his drink. "Hold on a sec," he asked, "If you're here, and Pegasus didn't hire you, then where the heck is the guy Pegasus hired, and _why_ haven't you been thrown out yet?"

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Meanwhile, somewhere between an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and Pegasus's mansion, the real bartender had an unfortunate relapse (in which the Millennium Rod may or may not have played a significant part). The poor man ended up getting run over by a black van and dying, but not before noting that the license plate was, oddly enough, 1(heart)CR4K. His last thought before dying was… … … _I didn't know that you were allowed to have drug-related vanity plates._

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"Obviously, Pegasus was too drunk to notice." 

Jounouchi narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, speaking of drunk… _I want something stronger then beer!"_

Marik sighed and poured "Kaiba's Bitch" a shot of whiskey. Jounouchi drank it instantly and promptly demanded more. Marik rolled his eyes and poured Jounouchi a tall glass of the amber poison. He then turned his attention towards Yuugi, expecting to collect payment, but… well? … … Yuugi hadn't eaten all day and then he had coke… Ecstasy… And beer. All in all, he was in a _pretty_ friendly mood.

"Yuugi, I want my money!"

"Hmmmm—no… Pegasus said _everything_ at the bar was up for grabs."

Marik let out an indignant squeak of protest that had less to do with his money and more to do with Yuugi deciding that since Marik was at the bar, that he was ... ahem... "_up_-for-_grabs."_ Smacking Yuugi's hand away from his ass, he suddenly found himself pinned against the wall by his neck, glaring crimson eyes boring into his own.

"Did you just _smack_ my aibou?"

"Well, I—"

"Mou Hitouri no Boku? I want to_ cuddle_." Yuugi groped his other self, instantly pausing him in his brutal assault against Marik. After releasing the struggling Marik, the Mou Hitouri no Yuugi turned around so he was facing his partner. He smiled, slowly bent over and kissed Yuugi softly on his forehead. Then, he took his hand and whispered, sweetly and seductively, "Come with me... aibou..." With that, he led Yuugi away towards one of Pegasus's guest suites. They weren't seen for the rest of the night, but they were heard. Oh yes, they were _heard_.

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Shortly after the departure of the two lovers, Ryou arrived at the bar, and not looking at the bartender, ordered, "An A.W. Root-beer and a Shirley Temple..." 

**_Oh, and who is the Shirley Temple for, whuss?_** **(A/N 2)**

Ryou narrowed his eyes and thought, 'Shut up, Voice… I've got Shizuka now— I don't _need_ you anymore...'

**_Come on… Shizuka may put up with you for a "little" while, but in the end even "her" patience will wear thin. She'll leave! _**

'You're wrong! Shizuka and I have a beautiful relationship with each other and tonight we have decided to consummate it. Our love will—'

**_Yeah, yeah, yeah… Just let me out when she needs a "real" man. _**

_'You beast!_ How dare you even suggest such things about my beloved! You shall not befoul our wonderful experience!'

**_Oh please—You will be done in three minutes, roll over, pass out and she'll HATE you. _**

_'You're just jealous because you're not having sex!_ You, unlike the _pharaoh_, don't even have a body to have sex _with_!' **(A/N 3)**

That shut Yami no Bakura up. He may not have cared much for emotional attachments such as _love_ and _friendship_, but he did miss his physical pleasures _dearly_. In addition, he _hated_ being reminded that the damned pharaoh got to enjoy everything he missed.

Although Ryou's dark side was silent, the doubts that had been planted were not. Which, by the way, turned out to be very profitable for Marik.

Marik was serving drinks when he noticed that Ryou was casting glances towards a certain silver and lilac fairy, or was it that black-haired Brittany Spears? Wait... why was Honda (who was wearing a big green dinosaur costume) handing Brittany a coke? Wasn't he with… … … "_Otogi?" What the fuck?_ Awl. Poor Ryou. Kid just couldn't get a break, huh?

Marik leaned over towards him. He asked, in what was supposed to be a sympathetic tone (however, it failed: _miserably_) "So, Brittany Spears doesn't like you—It's not the end of the world. But don't worry (he smiled insidiously) I have something that'll make it _all_— better."

Ryou looked up at him blankly. "Whaa? I don't care about Brittany Spears—I just..." He stopped, blushing.

Marik nodded wisely. "Ah," he said, "_I _see. I know what you need."

Ryou perked up. "Really?" he asked.

Marik tipped something into the Shirley Temple. After doing so, he muttered, "That'll be a hundred dollars, U.S."

Ryou, being the gullible idiot that he was, paid up.

Meanwhile, Mokuba finally arrived. At the sound of his arrival, all the members turned towards the door when Mokuba entered—

—and then there was _silence_…

Everyone's drinks dropped out of their hands and their eyes widened enormously. Jaws dropped and the chattering stopped instantly. No one dared to speak. That was, until Pegasus cleared his throat and turned towards Kaiba.

"_Ahem_... Pardon _me_, Kaiba-boy, but what "the hell" is your brother _wearing?_"

Before Kaiba could answer, Mokuba threw out his arms, revealing his brown striped, yellow, Pikachu costume and squeaked, "Pika, Pika!"

Kaiba (having quickly rushed over) swooped down and covered Mokuba's mouth, as if he had uttered the most horrendous curse word on the face of the Earth. An enormous sweat drop appeared down Kaiba's cranium as he let out a nervous chuckle, "Heh-heh-heh, the poor thing must be ill."

Mokuba then shoved Kaiba's hand away from his mouth and declared, "I'm _not_ ill, Nii-sama!" He then moved towards the center of the room, where everyone could see him. He declared out loud, his eyes blazing with passion, "Yu-Gi-Oh will be _finished!_ Pokemon _rocks!_ It will crush Yu-Gi-Oh and all of Duel Monsters and—"

Having no choice, Kaiba reached into his pocket and shoved a chloroform soaked rag into Mokuba's face, silencing him. And in the nick of time too. For Marik (during this time) had reached down underneath the counter and had withdrawn a shot-gun, aiming it for the raven haired kid. Kaiba's sweat-drop only grew larger and he let out another (louder) nervous chuckle. "… _Heh—_Or brainwashed… Don't worry, I'll have my minions fix it."

Marik glared, but kept his finger on the trigger. He whispered, threateningly, "See to it that you do—Or I'll let _my_ minions 'fix' him."

So, Mokuba was dragged off by Isono and Saruwatari for reconditioning and the drinks were cleaned up off the floor and replaced by the help that Marik had "hired."

By the time everyone had calmed down from the atrocity, Jounouchi was thoroughly sloshed and swaying from side to side. Ryou, having not touched his drink, yet— turned towards Jounouchi and asked, "Jounouchi-kun, are you alright?"

Jounouchi grinned and spoke, "Yah know, Ryou... I always wanted my sister to have the best (now he was swaying even worse than before) but you are a bazillion, ga-jillion, ma-zillion- smu-million times better..."

Ryou smiled, happily, glad to know that he had his girl friend's brother approval (and was too dense to know that Jounouchi's mind was _meanwhile_, lost in Never-Never land). Then, something happened. Jounouchi leaned closer to Ryou—so close—that their noses were almost touching. It made Ryou feel very, _very _uncomfortable.

Jounouchi asked with a slurring voice, (somewhat loosing his balance on the bar stool) "Hey... wait a sec… You aren't that freak'n Physco are you?"

'Hm, let me check. I'm not you, am I?'

**_I can fix that! _**

Ryou (ignoring his dark half) stared at Jounouchi, and asked, nervously "Uhh… What are you talking about?" A large sweat-drop was hanging down from the side of his face.

Jounouchi glared at him, his eyes a bloody shade of red due to massive alcohol consumption. He continued, "You know what I'm talkin' about... That freak'n guy with that shoots and ladders board—

**_That's the Ouija Board, fool! _**

"Um… Could you be more specific?"

"You know, the one that says "FINAL" and—" **(A/N 4)**

**_I'LL KILL HIM! _**

'I won't let you.' Ryou, realizing that he needed to make his exit quickly, took his two drinks and left, not even bothering to toss a polite farewell over his shoulder.

Jounouchi didn't notice. For he had spotted a pair of sexy black pants right in front of his eyes. Said pair of sexy black pants that was currently being worn by—

"Hey! It's my bitch trainer." Jounouchi moved closer to nibble on Kaiba's earlobe. He moaned softly, "Hey, I've been a bad, bad, doggie. Don't you want to punish me?"

Kaiba rolled his eyes and responded, "You're drunk. I can tell because you lack finesse, grace and... wait (he looked down at him) how can I tell again?"

Jounouchi snickered. "You're drunk too, yah know."

Kaiba shrugged and didn't even bother arguing. Then, he reached down and picked Jounouchi up in his arms. He smiled down upon him and grinned, "Let's go."

"Huh? Go where?"

Kaiba smirked, and lowered his lips down closer towards Jounouchi's ear. "Dumb mutt. I love you, I'm drunk and I'm horny. Anywhere private will do."

Jounouchi smiled against his lover's shoulder, taking in the smell of leather, soap and... "Did you just say you loved me, hot-stuff?"

Kaiba just smirked and dragged his 'Bitch' off to a dark corner of the mansion where they could be alone. The 'said corner' took the form of a recreation room with a pool table, a forty inch television screen and a surprisingly comfortable red (leather) couch. Kaiba pushed his boyfriend down on the couch, pinning him down with his own body. He made short work of unbuttoning his top, carefully kissing a line down his chest and all the way to his—

"Zzzzz..."

Kaiba blinked. He couldn't have heard that right. This was an important moment for the both of them! Surely his lover was moaning, not—

"ZZzzzzzzzz..."

Kaiba groaned. No, not in a good way. Sighing, he disengaged himself from his lover and gently covered him with the throw blanket that was hanging over the back of the couch. Jounouchi didn't seem to notice. Looking around to make sure nobody was looking, Kaiba whispered into the darkness, where it was safe and where nobody could hear (and where Jou couldn't tease him), "… … …Katsuya-chan, I love you more than my laptop." It may seem comical to most, but coming from Kaiba it was an admission that could have made the gods weep. Although, Kaiba's god would have surely laughed, had he not been passed out.

However, opening up the omnipresent machine and instantly booting up the internet, Kaiba smirked as he opened up his fan-page. Kaiba couldn't help but reflect on the many ways Jounouchi's company was preferable. Sighing, he skimmed for a well-done fan-art of him and his lover. One of the benefits of being a beautiful, rich, and well-known gay man was that the Yu-Gi-Oh Yaoi fan-girls flocked to him, and ever since he and Katsuya had become official, it hadn't been hard to find custom porn.

Unfortunately, (he narrowed his eyes) there were still some people who thought he would be better off with other people. A discouraged frown appeared on his face. He thought he had booted them all off, but he found a new artwork from one of his favorite artists featuring… him and the other Yuugi. In Kaiba's mind that was a no-no, not that he'd ever use that word out loud. He went on a clean-sweep, booting everyone off who dared say he should be with someone... _inappropriate_ (someone other then Jounouchi). Unfortunately, it required thorough investigation while checking them-- sadly enough, quite a few of the people did often draw some of the finest Seto and Jounouchi fan-art too… he skimmed the pictures, eliminating things with Yami (Codename: Prideshipping), Yuugi (Codename: Rivalshipping) (Kaiba thought, 'Ha! Not in a million years, you fool…') Shizuka (Codename: Silentshipping), (he rolled his eyes at that one) and… _What The Fuck!_—"ANZU?" (Codename: Azureshipping) Who the 'hell' came up with that one? **(A/N 5)**

Then, what happened next would change Kaiba's life forever...

Was it an image? No… No it wasn't… it was an offsite link that he didn't remember installing. It had no description: just a name. A very simple, quaint (or so he thought), name...

"Toonshipping."

He thought, 'What the hell is this?' and without a word, clicked the link.

With that— his mind blanked out for a full thirty seconds, as the depravity burned itself into his retinas, striking a painful blow to his soul, his gods, and everything he ever considered sacred.

Soon, after this catastrophe, he finally regained his ability to speak (or in this case—'think').

... Oh... _fuck_. Kaiba stared at the website, not daring to believe it. Then, without a word, he picked up his cell phone, preparing to destroy whoever had created this blight upon his eyes. God, he'd have nightmares for the rest of his life. Moreover, if he didn't get this fixed... Kaiba looked over towards his sleeping lover, and realized that if this wasn't fixed, he just might lose his life, in more ways then one.

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- TO BE CONTINUED-

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The following is _not_ meant to be counter fanfictionDOTnet format. These are merely author notes. They are not meant to counteract the rules or restrictions of the webmaster's policies in anyway. Thank you for your attention.

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**Author Note 1** - In Japan, Halloween isn't as widely celebrated as it is in America.

**Author Note 2** - In this fiction, bold itallics means that the Yami is talking to his partner through his mind—or the other way around.

**Author Note 3** - At the very end of the anime, the Mou Hitouri no Yuugi got his own body. However, it only lasted for a short time—because, then he decided to pass on to the next life. In this fiction, he has the body, but he never went back. Get the picture? Also, Yami no Bakura and Yami no Malik never died.

**Author Note 4 **- Yes, we are completely aware that the real and 'decent' Ouija board (mumbles: or the crappy dub name, 'Destiny Board') says DEATH in the original Yu-Gi-Oh… You can see why Bakura is so pissed off. I (as in Yamiko) once saw these losers use the dubbed cards in my anime club— and I felt really, really sorry for them.

**Author Note 5** - The negative impact on it is just Kaiba talking in _this _story.

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Translation Section  
1. (Mou Hitouri no Boku) (The other me—masculine)  
2. (Aibou) (Partner)  
3. (Nii-sama) (Older brother—honored)  
4. (-chan) (little, cute)

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**Random Note: **Enjoy the new format. Bye. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Note: **Oh yes, another thing that you should be aware of. If you are new to his fiction, be _warned_: the only straight characters are: Shizuka, Ryou, Bakura, Malik, Marik, Tenma, Vivian (although, she does not last long) Siegfried (neither does he) and Pegasus… Everyone else is either homosexual or bisexual. Just F.Y.I. (For your information). Enjoy the second chapter of the fiction. (Insert anime happy face)

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**Disclaimer: **We don't own anything. If we owned Yu-Gi-Oh, Ryou would be the right gender.

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**Plot:** _After uncovering the horror of the Toonshipping couple (Pegasus x Kaiba), Kaiba and Pegasus decide to get rid it of it once and for all! How? With Gozaburo's old nuclear stash, of course! With Shizuka tagging along, (and with Jounouchi and Ryou aimlessly trying to catch up) they embark on an epic journey— thus encountering Yami no Malik and his drug dealing buddies, the diabolical Santa Clause Noah and his evil Nuclear Polar Bear Minions, along with the FBI, who is under the control of… ok, now we're just giving too much away. But boys—if you read it to the end there's fan service! (although with a catch.)_

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**Genre: **Romance/Action Adventure/Humor/Mystery

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**Parings:**

Jounouchi/Kaiba  
Shizuka/Ryou  
Yuugi/Yami no Yuugi  
Honda/Otogi  
Isis/Mai  
Tenma/Shizuka  
Anzu/Shizuka (one-sided)  
Tenma/Anzu

_…and probably others on the way._

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**Warning:** Rated M (R) (Restricted) For Sexual Implications, Sensuality, Homosexuality, Cursing, Drug Use, Randomness and "All-Out" Insanity.

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_-Imperfect __Paradise__ (Yamiko) & Somebody Else (Mihoshi) _

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Death To Toonshipping  
By Imperfect Paradise & Somebody Else

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-**Chapter Two-  
**Insert Chapter Name Here

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While the eldest Kaiba Brother was having his world violently shattered, Pegasus was having dreams of Funny Bunny in his bedroom where the servants had dragged him after he had passed out. This might have been because the television had been left on and a Funny Bunny tape was still running, or it might have been the fact of the matter that his laptop, which was stationed on the bedside, was supporting Funny Bunny wallpaper. On the other hand, it might have just been the fact that the man mentioned happened to have remained _dressed_ as Funny Bunny because his servants (quite frankly) were not paid quite well enough to take his clothes off.

Muttering, "Funny Bunny… come baaaack…" in his sleep, he didn't even notice the outlook express icon, which was constantly blinking on and off at the bottom bar of his computer.

After several minutes of Pegasus's unbroken slumber (and Kaiba's unbroken impatience on the other line), Pegasus finally (and miraculously) woke up when Kaiba appeared on web-cam and screamed through the monitor, his eyes flashing "WAKE UP, _DAMNIT!"_

Pegasus instantly awoke, fortunately devoid of the typical hangover symptoms that usually characterized his mornings. Well, at least fortunately for him, but unfortunately for Kaiba, since no hangover meant that the ruler of Duelist Kingdom (and the former King of Duelists) was still good and sloshed.

Putting on one of his classic smirks, Pegasus turned towards the computer, faced Kaiba and drawled, "Why… What in the world could make the great, prodigious Kaiba-boy call me at this time at night? I haven't even had my morning red wine spritzer yet." **(A/N 1)**

Kaiba narrowed his eyes, just before hissing, "I am not in the mood for these mind games, Pegasus. We need to talk! Now look, just open up your e-mail. There is something you need to see—and I don't mean that in a good way!"

Pegasus heard this, smirked and brushed his hair back behind his shoulder, chuckling to himself. After doing so, he looked at Kaiba and drawled, "Well, unfortunately for you, _I_ don't feel like it."

Kaiba narrowed his eyes, before speaking in a dark and threatening tone, "Then you have given me no choice…" Quickly hacking Pegasus's computer, Kaiba managed to find the e-mail he had just sent and made the loathed picture flash up on the screen. "Now what do you think?"

Unfortunately, for Kaiba, Pegasus had the attention span of a very small, very drunk child, and it had run out just _moments _before he even laid eyes upon the picture. Looking away he commented, "Oh, yes, very pretty Kaiba-boy. Simply brilliant! You are a wonderful artist. Quite, exceptional, really! Now if you'll excuse me, Funny Bunny is-"

_"WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE GOD DAMNED PICTURE, YOU IMBECILE!" _

Rolling his eyes, Pegasus directed his focus to… the monstrosity. He backed away almost instantly, petrified with fear. Staring at it, he shrieked, _"DEAR GOD!_ WHEN DID WE DO _THAT_? AND WHY THE HELL DON'T I REMEMBER IT!" Silently, he prayed, _I will never touch vodka again, I will never touch vodka again, just please, Dear God, please, just make it go away! _

And God, err… … _Kaiba_ did. "You see our problem. If Jou-kun finds out about this I'm as good as screwed."

Pegasus, who at this point, was fondling his hands, looking rather pale, turned towards Kaiba and glared. "And I care about your little bitch because…?"

"Because I'm underage and if any authorities happen to come across this, they may… assume things. Now, to you and… well, to _me_ at least, this is obviously a digital image done with a very low-quality graphics program, but to _some_ people, or more logically, idiots like _you_, it will look just like a normal digital picture. Moreover, if this is discovered, you can go to jail for child molestation."

"Tee-hee! Look! Ears!" Once again, Pegasus's attention span had reached its limit, and he had shifted his focus on to the bobbling, dangly pink things hanging in front if his eyes.

Kaiba sighed and quietly whispered something to someone off camera. He continued, "Listen, Gozaburo had a weapon's cache at the North Pole, and I have yet to dismantle it. However, this oversight appears to be in our favor."

"Look! They flop around! Te-hee-hee!"

"I have decided; we will use the weapons to destroy the creator of this… _thing_. Then we can delete it with some measure of certainty that it won't reappear, and that shall benefit the both of us…"

"EEEEAARRSS!"

Kaiba shook his head and muttered, "Just meet me in the parking lot in fifteen minutes."

"Tee-hee! Oh, I'm sorry did you say some—hey! Watch the costume!"

"Also, I dispatched some of my minions to ensure your cooperation."

And, indeed, several minions dressed in the Kaiba Corp. security guard uniforms were attempting to manhandle the large, pink bunny through the door, while said pink bunny loudly objected to the treatment of his "VERY EXPENSIVE!" (and very ridiculous) costume. Until he recognized one of his (ex)employees, that is. "HEY! SARUWATARI, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING FOR _ME!" _

"Sorry boss, but Kaiba Corp has dental. Nothing personal."

With that, the two men dragged Pegasus away, not even giving him a chance.

* * *

Ryou handed Shizuka her drink… only to have her instantly making bedroom eyes at him. Apparently, whatever Marik had slipped into her Shirley Temple had been nothing but a worthless purchase because she obviously didn't need it. She took his hand and batted her eyelashes. She cooed sweetly, "Come on, Ryou. Otogi's new car has leather seats."

Ryou, being the innocent dolt that he was, didn't quite get the full implications of this until Shizuka had lead him away (Shirley Temple still in hand, un-drunk) to stand in front of Otogi's car. He looked around and asked, "Uh… Shizuka, are you absolutely sure that Otogi won't mind?"

"Calm down, he and Honda took a guest bedroom, (Shizuka winked at him) and I don't think they plan on coming out for a _very_ long time." With that, Shizuka set her drink down on the hood of the car, and flung herself on top of the black leather seats, a feat possible only because the top was conveniently rolled down. This action made her skirt slide around her thighs, revealing just a hint of lacy pink boy-cut panties.

After Shizuka had batted her eyelashes seductively at him, Ryou dropped his can of Root Beer in the back seat and was on her in a New York minute. Or rather, a Japanese minute because… well… yeah…

"Oh, Ryou…" Shizuka moaned, sitting up a bit so that Ryou could gently slide her wings off her shoulders. Then she laid back and let him work at the lacings on her bodice as she worked on tearing off various bits of cardboard armor, flinging them into the Bushes when she was done. Ryou was gently massaging her breasts through the fabric of a lacy pink bra and Shizuka was doing things with her hands that felt very, _very good_. However, things changed when the mood was abruptly ruined by 'the' question. "Hey, Ryou, where's the condom?"

Ryou paused in his affections, suddenly taking that into account. "Oh… uh…"

Shizuka groaned and not out of pleasure. She stared at him and hissed, "You didn't bring one?"

Ryou felt sweat fall down his temples. He stammered, "Hold on! I… uh… I… I left it inside!" This was a lie. "I'll… I'll go get it right now! Yeah, that's right! I'll go get it!" Meaning he was going to go borrow one from someone else. Yes, however, as embarrassing as it was, it was not nearly as bad as having to admit he was still a virgin next time they played "I Never."

So, Ryou buttoned up his fly and went in search of a prophylactic while Shizuka pulled her dress together, and began debating whether or not she could go fish her wings out from the bushes. As she did so, she reached for the Shirley Temple, took a sip and… passed out as if someone had stolen her Sugary Pink Heart Crystal. Apparently, whatever Marik slipped into "Brittany Spears'" drink wasn't just a harmless judgment inhibitor, but an actual date rape drug.

As she fell onto the floor of the backseat of the car, Pegasus and Kaiba came out (Pegasus escorted by minions and carrying something alcoholic and "improved" by Marik, which he had desperately stolen from Honda on his way out.) storming into the parking lot. "Alright, Pegasus, where's your car?"

Pegasus snorted, "What do you mean _car_? I only have _limos_!"

Kaiba growled, "Fine! Whatever! Where are the limos, then?"

Pegasus opened his mouth and then paused. Kaiba turned towards him and asked, "Well?"

A grin suddenly erupted on Pegasus's face as he answered, "Oh, well, tonight the schools are all having big fundraiser bashes, so I let the local high-school borrow them since I knew I would be having a party here and I wouldn't want to go anywhere."

Upon those words, Kaiba nearly bitch-slapped him. _"You fool!_ Do you realize that this means we don't have a car? I came in my helicopter, and now all my transportation resources are being used to contact the best and most prestigious doctors all over the world in order to have them fix my poor, misguided little brother!"- (His voice cracked and tears threatened to come to his eyes in memory of that horror)- "The nearest Kaiba Corp vehicle is almost two hours away by now!"

Pegasus heard this and shrugged. "Oh… well, I guess we're not going anywhere, then!" However, when he turned to go back inside, Kaiba (who was at this point, severely unrestrained) grabbed him by his Funny Bunny costume ears and pulled him back.

He hissed in his ear, "The hell we're not! You don't get to be the wealthiest bachelor in the world without knowing a few lowlife tricks! Come on, I can hotwire something." Looking around, Kaiba picked out the classiest car he could see within his range of vision. Which was, unfortunately, was Otogi's convertible. So, Kaiba hotwired the convertible and he and Pegasus zoomed out without so much as throwing a glance in the rearview mirror, much less the backseat, where the sleeping Shizuka lay, quietly and soundly, unable to do anything.

* * *

Meanwhile, Ryou had managed to get a condom from Marik (for an insanely high price), and he managed to get back to the parking lot just in time to see a large pink bunny and a stoic CEO make off with his fairy princess. This did not bode well. For a moment, he just stared, trying to take into account what exactly had happened.

Afterward doing so, his first thought was _'I'll never get laid.'_ His next thought was, _'Oh, fuck, Jounouchi is going to kill me.' _

Of course, hiding the truth would not make things any better, and Jounouchi would probably be one of the few people willing to help him, so…

After searching all around the castle for several minutes, he finally found the person he was looking for, and bent over and began shaking Jounouchi's shoulder. He whispered, "Psst! Jounouchi, wake up!"

"Zzzz…" Other than that, Jounouchi did not respond.

Then, in desperation, (like a man who was about to lose his only chance to ever get laid) Ryou resorted to the one thing that always got Jounouchi up. (Pun intended) "WAKE UP, YOU STUPID MUTT!"

Wrong choice of words. Arms wrapped around his waste and Jounouchi moaned, "Mmm… Seto…"

Ryou shrieked and instantly pulled away, "GAH! _No,_ I'm NOT Seto!"

Upon hearing this, Jounouchi opened his eyes. He gasped and then commented, "Huh! Ah! Ryou! What are you doing here?"

Ryou pointed outside and explained frantically, "Your boyfriend and a large pink bunny rabbit made off with your sister!"

"WHAT! SETO AND _SHIZUKA?_ THAT CHEATING SON OF A _BITCH!_ HE BETTER WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON—"

"No!" Ryou, now desperate to explain the situation, began gesticulating wildly. "No, no, no! It's not like that! They hotwired a car, and Shizuka was in the back seat, and I went back in to get something and THIS IS VERY BAD AND WE NEED TO GO RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Jounouchi blinked a few times, just before asking, "Dude, why are you waving that condom around?" For Ryou was indeed still holding the condom with which he had meant to … well, there isn't really a polite way to put that, but heck, you know where condoms go.

Ryou sweat-dropped and answered, "I'm… uh... well… I was… I was holding it for a friend! Yeah—that's it! A friend! Heh-heh-heh. It's not mine, I swear!"

Jounouchi raised an eyebrow. "Oh. 'Kay, then." With that, Jounouchi effortlessly passed out again.

Ryou saw this, freaked out, and instantly began shaking him again. He screamed, "NO, WAIT! WE HAVE TO RESCUE SHIZUKA!"

Jounouchi then sat up like Lassie hearing her name called, and asked "What? Shizuka's in trouble?"

Ryou cried desperately! "Yes! Do you have a car? I need a car!"

Jounouchi scratched his head and answered, "Uh… well, we came in Kaiba's helicopter… but I can hotwire cars! Actually, it was Kaiba who showed me that trick!" He brought his hand up to his lips and giggled as he said that.

Ryou rolled his eyes and muttered, "Fine, whatever, let's go!" With that, they ran out the doors read to go in pursuit of their loved-ones when Jounouchi suddenly stopped. Ryou stopped running and turned towards Jounouchi. He asked, "What?"

Jounouchi scratched his head and asked, "What did I say I was going to do again? I forgot, man…"

* * *

Meanwhile, at the North Pole, things were not well in Santa's workshop. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE OUT OF PINK PAINT! DIDN'T WE JUST ORDER SOME?... WELL? LOOK, I DON'T CARE WHAT THE FUCKIN' COMPANY IS DOING! _YOU_ HAD BETTER GET OFF _YOUR_ LAZY ASS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! …. Well, how are we for red and white paint? … We have some? … THEN MIX THE RED AND WHITE AND GET PINK, YOU DUMBASS! … …Yes, I'm sure red and white make pink … JUST DO IT ALREADY YOU RETARDED, POINTY-EARED MIDGET!" Santa slammed the phone down, nearly breaking it and took to rubbing his temples. He grumbled, "These damn elves are _useless._ Half of them are colorblind and the other half are brain-dead. What are we supposed to do with five hundred purple clad G.I. Joe's, God _Damnit!"_

His thoughts were then interrupted as the door to his office opened up, and he abruptly shoved a half naked elf under his desk. "Thank you Mrs. Clause— (he couldn't for the life of him remember her first name) Just set the cookies down over there! Heh, did you know your headlights are "on"?"

Mrs. Clause rolled her eyes, slammed the cookies down, then slammed the door on her way out.

After she had left, Santa pulled his favorite elf up from underneath the desk by the hair and frenched her. After breaking, he murmured, raising his eyebrows, "Arwen, love, I think she might be _on_ to me."

Arwen brushed her long black hair out of her eyes and looked up at him through her baby blues. "So what? It's not like there's anywhere for her to go if she divorces you."

Santa laughed and, his mind eased, he returned to the elvish games his worker elves had so _rudely_ interrupted.

* * *

"Damnit, Pegasus! I knew I shouldn't have let you try to read the map!"

Pegasus brought his hand out to the side again and argued, "Oh, please, Kaiba-boy, I gave you perfect directions, the problem is you just can't follow them! You should just let me drive!"

Kaiba spun around and hollered in his face, "_LIKE HELL!_ YOU'RE TOTALLY TRASHED, YOU STUPID BUNNY RABBIT! I WOULDN'T LET YOU DRIVE IF YOU _PAID_ ME!"

"Tee-hee! Ears!"

Kaiba grounded his teeth and trembled with much animosity towards his idiotic (and drunk) Funny Bunny clad comrade. After recovering, he groaned, "Alright, here's what we'll do. It's Sunday. I bought us online tickets for a plane that leaves Wednesday morning. We'll just drive all night, spend the night in a hotel, and then we will have to drive all Monday to get to another hotel that's close to the airport, because you are an idiot who lives in the middle of FREAKIN' NOWHERE! (Pegasus smiled innocently) Then we can hang out at the hotel Tuesday because I would rather DIE then be seen in public with you. Got it?"

"EEEAAARRSS!"

Kaiba rolled his eyes and pulled over, cutting off a car on the side of the road. After the honking sounded, (followed by an extended middle finger which swished by them), Kaiba turned towards Pegasus and hissed, "Just Shut up and give me the map."

After taking the large, creased slip of paper in his hands, Kaiba stared at it for a moment, until a look appeared on his face that would have sent any mere pedestrian who happened to have been close by running for dear life. He slowly turned towards Pegasus, who was playing with his ears like a cat with a piece of yarn and screamed into his face. "YOU _IDIOT!_ THIS ISN'T A MAP! THIS IS THE BACK OF THE KID'S MENU AT DENNY'S!"

Pegasus tugged the map in his direction (copyrighted 1988 with a statement declaring the message "ages three and up") closer to him and complained while presenting it, "No it isn't… It's a map… See! Here's California… (He pointed to what looked like a (demented and cartoon-like) gold digger standing next to a miniature Golden Gate Bridge) And here's Hawaii—"(**A/N 2) **

Kaiba tore the paper away from Pegasus, instantly crumpling it up into a ball. He then reached inside his jacket, pulled out a lighter and instantly set fire to the "map". As Kaiba dusted the ash off of his hands, Pegasus put on a pouting look. "Awl… But they had a maze on the back off it." Kaiba was about to strike a deadly blow upon Pegasus (Pegasus flinched), but then composed himself, slowly lowering his hand. True, he hated what was happening to him, he hated what he was doing, he hated Pegasus (of course) and above all—he hated the psychotic, antagonistic and mind-fucking sonofabitch who had forced him into association with this looser in the first place! However, images of a handsome blonde resurfaced into his mind, and Kaiba came to remember his duties. He let out a sigh. 'This is for Katsuya…' he thought.

Kaiba then got out of the car, (illegally parked on the side of a random highway nobody seemed to use), and walked around (illegally trespassing on a field that nobody seemed to be farming.) After he felt he could trust himself not to kill Pegasus (thereby getting himself incarcerated and making it difficult for him to shag his boyfriend), he returned to the car. Only to find a large, pink rabbit avidly explaining something or another to a confused looking fairy princess.

"What the hell?"

The princess turned, her eyes alight with hope as she saw someone relatively sane-looking, who might be able to answer the one burning question that had been on her mind since she awoke, "Where's Ryou?"

* * *

- TO BE CONTINUED-

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The following is _not_ meant to be counter fanfictionDOTnet format. These are merely author notes. They are not meant to counteract the rules or restrictions of the webmaster's policies in anyway. Thank you for your attention.

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**Author Note 1** – As opposed to 'coffee.' We doubt that Pegasus would even 'touch' coffee so…

**Author Note 2 –** You know, those stupid, demented children's maps with the cartoon characters standing on top of shaded countries and states to help kids understand what the place stands for. You see them all the time on the back of kid's menus at Denny's, I-Hop, Red Robin and other diner places like that.

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**Random Note: **Mihoshi (Somebody Else) does not usually post fanfiction, so she spends a lot of time poking things and doesn't like to feel obligated to work on a particular fic at any particular time, so you're just going to have to cope with the fact that this fic will be slow, or piss off and read something else. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Author Note: **Okay, uh… Warnings for this chapter. Yaoi (well, duh) accompanied with the abuse of drugs and pure stupidity. (in the characters, not us.) And a car chase that includes more stopping and waiting than chasing, and a sock puppet. We do not find it morally advisable to have car chase scenes without a sock puppet.

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**Disclaimer: **We do not own Yu-Gi-Oh. If we did, then Haga and Ryuzaki would have died.

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**Plot:** _After uncovering the horror of the Toonshipping couple (Pegasus x Kaiba), Kaiba and Pegasus decide to get rid it of it once and for all! How? With Gozaburo's old nuclear stash, of course! With Shizuka tagging along, (and with Jounouchi and Ryou aimlessly trying to catch up) they embark on an epic journey— thus encountering Yami no Malik and his drug dealing buddies, the diabolical Santa Clause Noah and his evil Nuclear Polar Bear Minions, along with the FBI, who is under the control of… ok, now we're just giving too much away. But boys—if you read it to the end there's fan service! (although with a catch.)_

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**Genre: **Romance/Action Adventure/Humor/Mystery

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**Parings:**

Jounouchi/Kaiba  
Shizuka/Ryou  
Yuugi/Yami no Yuugi  
Honda/Otogi  
Isis/Mai  
Tenma/Shizuka  
Anzu/Shizuka (one-sided)  
Tenma/Anzu

_…and probably others on the way._

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**Warning:** Rated M (R) (Restricted) For Sexual Implications, Sensuality, Homosexuality, Cursing, Drug Use, Randomness and "All-Out" Insanity.

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_-Imperfect __Paradise__ (Yamiko) & Somebody Else (Mihoshi) _

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Death To Toonshipping  
By Imperfect Paradise & Somebody Else

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-**Chapter Three-  
**Insert Chapter Name Here

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Kaiba blinked. He honestly did not know what to make of a silvery purple… _thing_… at this point in their quest. Perhaps she had come to grant wishes? Kaiba shook his head, attempting to clear it of such idiocy. He briefly wondered if Pegasus was contagious. 

The Fairy Princess, meanwhile, was happy to see someone who looked relatively sane (read: Wasn't a pink and fluffy bunny), but was slightly less happy when the "sane" person kept staring at her like he didn't know what was going on and kept shaking his head at her. Perhaps he didn't understand the question. Speaking a bit louder, and enunciating, she asked again, "Where is Ryou?"

This made Kaiba more confused. Shizuka saw this and tried to explain. "I was waiting for him." Why the hell would a fairy princess be waiting for that candy ass? Maybe she was his fairy godmother here to turn him into a girl? No, wait… fairy godmothers weren't young and beautiful. They were always little old ladies. "I mean… uh… we were gonna do things…" So maybe she did mean to make him a princess. "In the car, I mean… heh… …y-y'know." The stutter reminded him of the stutter Jou got when he tried to discuss sex with an outside party. This put a goofy grin on his face. The "Fairy Princess" misinterpreted the grin. "You won't tell my brother, right? I mean, young love and all that." Wait…

"Shizuka!" Suddenly Kaiba realized that under the artificially rosy cheeks and lips and about the "fairy dust" was his lover's younger sister. Who was waiting in a car. For Ryou.

Shizuka, naturally, misinterpreted the exclamation of her name. "I know. It was wrong of me to even think of it, right?" She laughed in relief. "I'm so glad I have a brother-in-law who understands!"

Kaiba blinked. Of course he meant to tell Jou! It was his little sister, and… did Shizuka just call him brother-in-law? Did she really think of him that way? Judging by the big, grateful eyes… _crap_. "Of course I understand Shizuka." God, Jou would kill him if he ever found out, but… the girl was _cute_. **(A/N 1)**

"So… uh… where's Ryou? Bunny boy has been going on about nuclear weapons and evil artists 'and gold diggers means California'."

"Ah, yes, well Pegasus isn't completely sober. Come to that, neither am I, but I'm one of those drunks who can deny it." _As long as nobody realizes I can't remember their name…_ "But, uh, I think I can shed some light on the situation. We are on a noble quest for vengeance against those rouges who would come between me and your dear brother!"

Shizuka gasped and gave a little, fan girlish squeal. "Oh, big-brother-in-law! That's so brave! Is some evil man trying to seduce my big brother?" Then she gasped again as a thought occurred to her, "Oh no, it's not another evil millionaire trying to marry his daughter to you, is it? She can't have you! You're spending the rest of your life with my brother, and you're a part of _our_ family now."

Kaiba would surely have interrupted and corrected her, had he been able to breathe. But at some point in her little speech, Shizuka had felt the need to firmly secure herself to her "brother-in-law" by attaching herself to his ribcage using her apparently bionic arms. Pegasus took the opportunity to give Shizuka a standing ovation while wiping tears from his eyes. Kaiba rolled his eyes and pried his "little sister" off of his lungs. After regaining his breath, he said, "It's not quite that bad. You see, here is our situation—"

Pegasus jumped up and down and squealed, "Ooh! _Ooh!_ I want to tell the story!"

Kaiba heard these words and his face transformed into a sour, omigawd sort of expression. Pegasus explained, "See, there is a nuclear bomb that we need to get to in order to kill that thing that was really ugly and burned my eyes and might get me jail-time, but that's alright because according to that stupid maze, I'm trapped anyways. And I always will be now"—his eyes started tearing up—"because Kaiba-boy went and burned it!"

Kaiba rolled his eyes and then hung his head low in defeat. No wonder Shizuka couldn't understand what the idiot was saying! _Sigh…_ There was only one thing left to do now. He spoke, loudly enough so Pegasus could _hear _it. "…Ears."

With that, Pegasus's abnormally low attention quickly averted once again. "_OOH!_ THAT'S RIGHT!" With that, he took to watching them, laughing as they bobbed up and down on his costume, trying to bat them with his hand.

Kaiba, looked somewhat strained, looked at Shizuka and spoke. "First things first: Forget "EVERYTHING" _he_ said."

Shizuka looked at him, and then back at Pegasus, before she looked at Kaiba and spoke, "Done."

Kaiba let out a sigh in relief, and explained, "Okay… Here's the down-low." _Man I am drunk._ "While surfing the internet I came across an ominous evil that I dare not explain. Whatever it was, Pegasus and I are caught in the middle of it. Now, not all of Gozaburo's bases have been dismantled—and there is only one left. So, Pegasus and I are heading over to the north pole to arm ourselves and we are going to blast the creator of that heinous uh… 'thing' into an oblivion!"

Shizuka stared at him for a grand total of ten seconds. (insert cricket noises in the background). Then her eyes teared up and she brought her hands up to her face and cried. Kaiba explained, "Well—look, Shizuka. I'm sorry if I hurt you—you being caught up in this and all—I wouldn't uh—Jou would never—but this is something we have to do and—"

Shizuka looked at him, angrily and explained, "What about the _environment_ Kaiba? Global warming is already bad enough without you blowing up trees!"

Kaiba paused for a moment. He then opened his mouth and explained, "Oh! Don't worry Shizuka! It's an urban environment!" _I think. _

Shizuka immediately stopped crying and hopped back into the car (she had gotten out to hug her 'brother-in-law") with a happy little noise. "Alright then! Let's get those jerks who don't understand the sanctity of your love for my brother!"

"Right!" Getting in the car, he couldn't help but think, _I'm going to have SUCH a hangover in the morning… _

* * *

Ryou and Jounouchi were now driving in Honda's car (an old rusted 1996 Black Jeep Cherokee with an ugly dent in its side) which was in desperate need of a smog check—this was so because black smoke was erupting from the exhaust. Said smoke, was rising into the trees, where squirrels and raccoons collapsed, released themselves from the braches and fell dead on the ground.

Ryou looked at this and cried, bringing his hands up, sobbing, "Why did you have to pick Honda's car, Jounouchi! Why couldn't you have chosen that nice Hybrid that Mou Hitouri no Yuugi has!"

**_WHAT! NOW THAT FUCKING BASTARD HAS A HYBRID? I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL SLAUGHTER THAT LITTLE BITCH, DAMNIT! _**

'Voice, for the last freaking time, _shut up!'_** (A/N 2)**

**_Yeah, well hurry up and bang Shizuka already! You're wasting valuable time! _**

'Stop being crude! When I find Shizuka we will make love, like two affectionate human beings, not '_bang' _like some pandas against a screen door. And since when are you… wait… Voice?'

**_Yeah? _**

'Do you still have that camera?'

**_Hey, Ryou! What would you prefer? One hundred and twenty minutes or three hundred and sixty minutes? I know you'll only last ten, but I thought it would be polite to ask… _**

Before Ryou could give Bakura his worst (the silent treatment), Ryou's question sank through Jounouchi's drunken haze and was processed by his (less than functional) mind. "… … …Hybrids suck"

Ryou let out a sigh, until he saw something red dash across the road. Said red car, had a silver-haired pink bunny, a chestnut brown bowl-headed CEO and—"

"SHIZUKA!" He grabbed Jounouchi shoulder, shook it and cried out, "JOUNOUCHI-KUN! _FOLLOW THAT CAR!"_

Jounouchi meanwhile, was staring up at a billboard, bearing an advertisement for the newest Hybrid car with busty blondes hanging out of it. **(A/N 3)** Staring up at it, he grinned, "Wow… I want to get me one of those…"

Ryou then reached over for Jounouchi's seat and placed his foot on the petal, speeding up to catch up with the red car with his beautiful fairy princess sitting in the back seat.

They continued to drive until they finally reached the free-way. Ryou was catching up on them—

—when the light before the onramp turned red. Ryou (being the honest person that he was) stopped and waited—moaning as Shizuka, Kaiba and Pegasus got onto the high-way with no problems. Jounouchi pointed at them and asked, "What are you doing? They're getting away?"

Ryou turned towards him and said quietly, "Don't worry, this will be quick…"

"Alright class—remember, hold my hand and the hand of the person next to you…"

Ryou, upon hearing this, looked up towards the pedestrian zone on the street. There was a little old lady, with an apron that said, "ABC's are fun." And there, as far as the eye could see, a long stream of elementary schooled children, all wearing cute and cuddly costumes—with no less than six Funny Bunnies—were all holding hands, preparing to cross the street.

Ryou stared at this and his jaw dropped. He thought, _Shit…_ They were singing the world's most annoying song, which, surprisingly, wasn't "The Song That Never Ends." No, this was a long forgotten torture, used by children back when parents still spanked, an auditory assault serving as penance for physical misdemeanors, "_You can't ride in my red wagon, with that broken axel dragon—Same song! Next verse! Little bit louder, little bit worse_…" And so on into the next verse. Which was, even as it seemed impossible, louder, and yes, much worse.

The light had already turned green, more than once. Jounouchi grabbed Ryou's shoulder and squealed, "HEY! SPOT THE COSTUME! Five points for a fairy, twenty five point for a Funny Bunny." Ryou, having sat back in his own seat, had taken to sobbing against the side of the wheel, moaning, "Shizuka…"

* * *

Meanwhile, back at Pegasus's mansion… Otogi crossed over to the window, cigarette in hand. It was such a lovely view. True, it wasn't as lovely as the view behind him, but then _nothing_ could compete with the view of a recently ravished Honda splayed out on the couch. Otogi cracked the window with his right hand, letting a cigarette dangle languidly from his left hand.

Honda, drawn from his place on the couch by the sight of his lovely Otogi backlit with silver moonlight, wrapped his arms around his love. He stretched his neck over Otogi's shoulder to steal a hit of the cigarette. With smoky breath he said, "I don't know why you think that a view of the parking lot is pretty."

"You have no sense of poetry, love. The moonlight shines on the cars, like a… wait… Cars. Where's my convertible? It was parked under that willow tree! The moonlight should be bouncing right off of it and exposing it's candy apple goodness! Honda, my car's gone! Oh, god!" Otogi dropped the cigarette, which Honda thankfully caught.

"My god it is… _Hey_… mine's gone too! W00t! Now we can collect the insurance."

Otogi looked over at him and glared. "Excuse me, I'm _angsting_ over here!"

Honda had the decency to look ashamed. "I'm sorry. Would you like a hit of the cigarette? I can make you coffee, too."

"That's alright, we'll do coffee later. Right now just get me a pen and paper so I can do poetry."

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather have sex?"

Otogi glared. He was one of those odd little people whose angst made him feel special. "Honda, angst is a wild and delicate thing, now get me writing materials before it goes away!"

Honda sighed. He didn't really like it when Otogi wrote angst poetry, because it was painful and made his head hurt, and he always had to drag Honda to a smoky café where it could be read to "people who understand." However, not aiding him in the angstiness meant no sex, and Honda had a pretty one-track mind. "I think I saw some paper in the sitting room across the hall. I'll put on pants and go get it."

Otogi smoked dramatically.

* * *

Ryou was slumped back in the passenger seat, resigned to dying a virgin. Jounouchi was singing along with the children. Then, suddenly, _miraculously,_ they were all on the other side. Jounouchi stepped on it and they got on the freeway.

The freeway was terribly congested, but Jounouchi proceeded to perform several illegal maneuvers that Ryou would have had trouble with when he was _sober_, forget _drunk_. It was about the time that Ryou sprained his ankle against the windshield that it occurred to him that it might have been wise to buckle up. The voice seemed to be praying in a long forgotten language. And then… "w00t! Found 'em!"

They were still going fast, but the world was no longer swerving wildly, and it seemed to be mostly right-side-up. Ryou adjusted himself so that he was actually sitting in his seat, and then he buckled up. Then he looked around and realized… "JOUNOUCHI, WE'RE IN THE CARPOOL LANE YOU _IDIOT!_ YOU NEED AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE TO BE IN THIS LANE!" **(A/N 4)** Ryou immediately began imagining all the horrible things that could happen if he went to jail. He was too pretty for this, damnit!

"I figure that my little sister is more important than some lame traffic law!"

Ryou couldn't argue with that, so he settled for wondering how the hell Jounouchi managed to stay in his seat through all that since he didn't appear to be wearing any kind of physical restraints, seatbelt straightjacket or otherwise. Then they saw it. A car, a red convertible, that actually had three people in it, pulled into the carpool lane. One person was pink and fuzzy, and one was purple and shimmery. Jounouchi sped up.

Unfortunately, he had failed to notice the police officer sitting off to the side of the road. Said police officer dropped his cup of coffee, got into his car, turned his sirens on and proceeded to chase after him. The idiot (Jou) sped up. "JOUNOUCHI-KUN, WHY ARE YOU SPEEDING UP! YOU'LL JUST MAKE THINGS A WHOLE LOT WORSE WHEN WE GET CAUGHT!"

"Chill out! I _never _get caught!" Except that the freeway was too congested for Jounouchi to weave again, and the officer was gaining, and he was going to run Jou off the road…

* * *

"First of all, boys, the carpool lane is for cars bearing three or more passengers—"

Ryou had thought of this. Reaching down underneath the car-seat, he said innocently, "But look, we have a third passenger!" Holding up a makeshift sock puppet, he attempted ventriloquism with a rather high pitched voice. "Hello! I'm Mr. Sock! I'm the third passenger today! How do you do?"

Jounouchi turned so that Ryou couldn't see him and mouthed, _Schizophrenia. _

"Uh… ri—ght… I'm gonna have to ask you boys to do a breathalyzer test."

"I volunteer to go first!" Shouted Mr. Sock.

"Uh… ok… Well… If you could _all _get out of the car."

Jounouchi got out of the car and smiled politely at the officer, trying to charm his way out of things as best as he could when he was drunk. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "My friend has recently been diagnosed with schizophrenia and we haven't yet found a combination of drugs that will work on him."

"Uh-huh."

"I was taking him to the hospital because this latest drug seems to be making his hallucinations worse. We were at a party, and I _know_ I'm not sober, but we were all spending the night and nobody was expecting to drive, so I was the least trashed next to Ryou. I figured it was better to have someone a bit trashed driving than someone completely hallucinating, and really…"

Meanwhile, in the car…

**_A sock puppet? _**

'Shut up, Voice—I mean it.'

**_…You pansy. _**

'I said _shut up.'_

**_That was the most pathetic cover story I've ever seen—yah moron. _**

'I _know_.'

**_… …You will "never" get laid. _**

"SHUT UP VOICE!" It was a moment before Ryou realized that the he said that out loud. That was the moment that the police officer shoved his head in the window. Ryou buried his head in his hands and proceeded to have a small breakdown. "Ohgodohgodohgod, I'm too _pretty!_ Voice is wrong, I will, I just won't be willing, I—"

"Uhhhhhh…" The officer turned back to Jounouchi. "Okay. I see the problem, but It's really dangerous to drive drunk and—"

**_I can't believe you just wigged out in front of cop like that, you candy-ass. _**

"SHUT UP, VOICE! MY LIFE SUCKS ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU MAKING IT WORSE!"

The officer sighed. "Look kid, you just go ahead to the hospital. Try to be careful, though, alright? He may be bad, but he's not dying, and speed probably won't matter all that much in the long run."

"Yeah, I'll be more careful."

"Thanks." The cop clapped Jou on the shoulder, and returned to his patrol car.

Jou got in to the car, not believing his good luck, and drove away. Ryou couldn't believe this. "Oh, so now we're running from the cops?"

"Nope. He let us off."

"Wha… what? I went and had a mental breakdown and _he let us off? _WHAT _THE HELL_!"

"I told him you were schizophrenic."

"Why… why would you do that?"

"Two words: Sock puppet. And, y'know, with you screaming out things randomly, it was a pretty easy story to maintain."

Ryou cried out, almost on the verge of tears, "Jounouchi! That's not nice! You know I have a three thousand year old spirit living inside me! I can't help it! It's the Sen-Nen Ring!"

Jou snickered. "I would have _loved_ to see you explain _that_ to the cop."

Ryou groaned and buried his head in his hands.

* * *

- TO BE CONTINUED-

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The following is _not_ meant to be counter fanfictionDOTnet format. These are merely author notes. They are not meant to counteract the rules or restrictions of the webmaster's policies in anyway. Thank you for your attention.

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**Author Note 1** – This is NOT silentshipping. This is puppyshipping, ladies and gents. If you want silentshipping, you're welcomed to read To Freeze Her Heart, Crimson Descends, My Torture Ends a Week From Now, ect. (Love and Lust in Ancient Egypt doesn't count. I don't consider Seth x Shizuka to be Silentshipping—sorry) or other s-shipping fictions written by_ other_ authors (I can recommend a few). Kaiba is just confused (and he happens to be BI, but that's not the point) and soon to be flattered. There will be nothing between him and Shizuka except family styled love (and sibling conflict to come). Thank you.

**Author Note 2** – Okay, Mihoshi and I have messed up. In the manga (according to dear Emiko) Ryou Bakura referred to Yami no Bakura as "voice." We'll fix that up in the first chapter as soon as we can.

**Author Note 3 –** Oh yeah. Jou happens to be Bi too.

**Author Note 4 –** Actually, California state law requires at least "two" people. But then Ryou and Jou would have gotten off too easily. (laughs wickedly)

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**Random Note: **Wow… That was quicker than I thought. (Yamiko here) Anyway, Mihoshi and I worked on this last night (_this_ will be the last thing updated this weekend, I'm standing by it this time). Now, in you review (if you are kind enough to take the time) please keep in mind that there are TWO authors here. So please, when you are addressing us with your compliments, criticism, mate-mail and gratitude, make sure the subject is plural—Thank you. 


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